By SUZANNE AND CONRAD POTTS
Do you stand up for yourself at work, or is it easier – and less embarrassing – to let the moment pass? Stating a point of view not only empowers the client, but can bring about win-win outcomes for the company as well. As coaches, how can we help clients speak out?
“I’m phoning you to thank you for getting me my life back. I’m literally jumping for joy, pinching myself in disbelief. For over 15 years I have allowed myself to endure a relationship with my boss. I have felt talked down, talked over, disregarded and disrespected. Today, I started to change that: I managed to walk into my boss’s office, look him in the eye and calmly and very resolutely assert my opinions on a work problem that has been troubling me for months. And this is the amazing bit… he sat there, begrudgingly listened – and agreed with them.”
As this person’s coach I celebrated her reconnection with her personal power and sense of self worth. I felt confident that what she had done made her life more productive, fun and enjoyable. It would also have been good for her boss and his organisation.
Speaking up for ourselves is a daunting task – difficult enough one to one, but even harder in a group or in front of other people. We can hear our voice tremble, experience our body shaking and feel our heart pounding. So much easier to let the moment go by and stay quiet.
When we do, however, we are not the only ones who lose out – our colleagues and the organisation do too.
Everyone would benefit if we had the courage to take a deep breath, engage our mind and heart and say what we want. We need to shift the energy from self-protection and introspection to projection and engagement with our views.
Here are two ways to reclaim self-esteem:
1 Beliefs
Some of us grew up in a generation where “want doesn’t get” and “arguing and making your views known” was frowned on. It can make us believe conflict and standing up for ourselves is not a good thing and that when we do, we feel guilty.
And so we take on a belief which, insidiously, can make us reluctant to stand up for ourselves and our views.
Such beliefs are disempowering. They prevent us from growing and developing and from changing the world in which we live into one that is more satisfying.
Make it work
Ask your client
- How do you see the situation? What would it take to deal with standing up for yourself in a way that is successful? What would you need to believe about yourself? What would you have to believe about others?
- What are the disempowering beliefs? How would you change or reframe these to make them empowering and achievable – albeit challenging?
- Have there been occasions in your past when you can recall standing up for yourself successfully and the outcome was good for everyone?
- Can you access this occasion, recall how you did it and what you believed at this time?
- Do you know anyone else who you perceive as being very competent at stating their own views in a way that earns respect? What do these people believe about themselves and others, and when you ask for their help and guidance what will they tell you?
Fatal flaw
- Not addressing beliefs that may deliver a personal sense of power but may not bring about mutually beneficial outcomes, for example, my views are worth stating in all situations no matter what. Empowering beliefs enhance the individual and help bring about win-win outcomes.
- Failing to work with the client so that when a belief is expressed or changed from a disempowering belief, it is stated in the positive, not the negative. For example, nothing is achieved by my staying quiet and compliant.
- Failing to check that holding this new belief has no detrimental effect on other parts of their life, for example, the client may traditionally have been very quiet and now becomes vocal about everything and may not be discerning about when to speak and when to hold their peace.
2 Rights
The lack of ability to speak up may not be associated with deeper underlying beliefs but a product of muddled thinking about personal rights, for example, “Have I got the right to do or say that?”
Rights are something we are entitled to and do not have to ask permission for. When we are clear about them, we are more likely to access them. For example, I have a right to my own views and opinions; I have the right to express them openly and honestly; I have the right to ask questions if I don’t know.
Make it work
Help the client identify
- The rights they have in situations where they do not speak out. Invite them to accumulate as many rights as they can.
- The benefits to themselves and to others when they mobilise these rights.
- The specific behaviours that support these rights.
- Ask the client to write down these rights and repeat them within an act of affirmation. For many a curious magic occurs when words translate to paper.
Fatal flaw
- Failing to honour responsibilities. As Stephen Covey, author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, said: “When you pick up one end of the stick you also pick up the other end.” Every right has a responsibility. Where people observe a right for themselves and deny it to another, they are likely to behave in an over-the-top, aggressive manner. Although this may spur on people to speak where they hadn’t before, the consequences may not be favourable.
- Not getting the timing right. Clients may have a right to speak out or be heard but may chose not to act because of other sensitivities. Timing is a considerable interpersonal gift.
- Not checking the validity of rights. If a client is unsure whether they have a right in a particular situation, they have the right to check it out rather than charge in and act foolishly.
Standing up for oneself is about finding the balance between your own needs and those of others, and that applies to coaches as well as clients. The moral for all of us is to cherish ourselves and others equally. n
About the authors
Suzanne Potts is a motivational speaker and expert in assertiveness. Conrad Potts is a psychologist and corporate training consultant. He specialises in change management, performance improvement and motivation. They co-wrote Entitled to Respect www.entitledtorespect.com
Coaching at Work, Volume 6, Issue 2