In the latest in our series of columns looking at coaching and mentoring-related research, Lis Merrick explores whether the gender of our clients is relevant in the coaching dialogue – and whether we should we coach to it
Social science research, popular myths, fairy tales, films and any number of psychological studies suggest men and women develop and behave differently. Putting media gender stereotypes to one side, there do seem to be core differences between men and women.
Beginning with the ground-breaking work of psychologist Carol Gilligan1, research suggests that in childhood and adolescence, men and women learn differently and that these different learning styles carry into adulthood, where women are more likely to collaborate while men are more likely to lead or “go it alone”.
The third shift
Another of the most common, age-old classifications is that of the assumed roles of men and women. While Western society has made many advances in women’s rights and choices, the issue of role definition and how both men and women view their roles (professional and personal) provides rich material for understanding gender-driven roles and the effort to get beyond them.
Hochschild2, Bolton3 and Miller’s4 research have all examined the difficulties of men and women playing the same roles at work, but with women carrying the greater burden in the home and having to start another ‘shift’ there before or after their work shift.
The strains and stresses this puts on relationships, roles at home and work and physical and mental health can be immense. Bolton emphasises a further third ‘shift’ that women experience in reviewing the decisions and actions they have made during the day.
The work and home shifts can be physically demanding, but this further self-analysis can be psychologically exhausting, because some women use it to second-guess their motives, doubt their choices, and question their trade-offs during the working day. This is something most men would not entertain doing in the evenings.
Ways of seeing
Some of the most researched and widely popular literature revolves around gender differences in talking, making decisions and the use of voice in both personal and political situations. Tannen5 considers that becoming more aware of the style and tone of the opposite sex provides important insight for each sex into both mutual understanding and developing ways of talking, thinking, and working, which allows men and women to communicate, appreciate each other, and be heard by each other.
For most working professionals, it is in the workplace that tensions, style differences and feelings of inequality become most highlighted. Again, understanding what drives men and what drives women in a corporate setting can help alleviate friction and enhance better understanding for coaches. Sandberg6 covers this dimension beautifully.
As a coach, one of the biggest issues when coaching a senior woman is her difficulty in getting to the top of her profession or becoming a leader in her organisation. The issue of women’s leadership, or lack of leadership potential, has made headline news in business journals for years.
Understanding gender differences in leadership styles may not change the balance, but exploring the leadership issues both men and women face – and why they are so different – can be of enormous value to coaches and clients.
Using the imbalance
Ludeman and Erlandson’s7 research concentrates on coaching male alpha types, who they perceive as natural leaders, yet they identify few women who fit this description and those who are, are often perceived as ‘bossy’. This negative view of women as being incapable of being an effective leader is reinforced in Frankel’s work8, which highlights the sabotaging behaviours that have an impact on women’s leadership success.
Possibly one of the most common coaching dilemmas, for men and women clients, is the desire or need to create a more even work-life balance. Each has different balance needs and different ways of coping with this issue.
Also, midlife experiences pose particular difficulties for both men and women; how they handle these challenges and cope with the changes in their lives, are often very different.
Together with my co-researcher Leni Wildflower, we have been considering how useful it is to make gender differences more transparent in the coaching relationship. Do coaches have a more nuanced way of working with men and women, on all issues in their professional and personal lives if they better understand the fundamental differences in men and women’s psychological, neuropsychological, biological and developmental make-up?
Our initial exploration shows there is validity in this discourse. Simply making coaches aware of some of these obvious, but ‘taken for granted’ differences and sharing practical coaching tools for both genders has elicited great interest.
Another part of our research is considering how the gender of the coach can have an impact on the relationship.
We are only at the beginning of exploring these questions, but would welcome anyone with an interest in these rich themes to contact us and participate in our research.
Lis Merrick is a coach, and a visiting research fellow and active member of the Coaching and Mentoring Research Unit at Sheffield Business School. Lismerrick@coachmentoring.co.uk
References
1. L M Brown and C Gilligan, Meeting at the Crossroads: Women’s Psychology and Girls’ Development, Harvard University Press, 1992
2. A R Hochschild, The Second Shift: Working Parents and the Revolution at Home, (with Anne Machung). New York: Viking Penguin, 1989. Reissued in 1997 with new afterword, published in Great Britain by Piatkus Press. Reissued in 2012
3. M K Bolton, The Third Shift: Managing Hard Choices in our Careers, Homes, and Lives as Women, John Wiley & Sons, 2000
4. J B Miller, ‘Doing good and feeling bad’, in Toward a New Psychology of Women Beacon Press, Boston, 1976
5. D Tannen, You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, HarperCollins, 2010
6. S Sandberg, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead, WH Allen, 2013
7. K Ludeman & E Erlandson, ‘Coaching the Alpha Male’, in Harvard Business Review, May 2004
8. L Frankel, Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office, Warner Books, 2004