Men and women, from a very early age, are encouraged to express different types of emotions. While women are ‘allowed’ to show their feelings more than men, the latter are taught to ‘man up’ rather than cry. Yet it is socially acceptable for men to show one emotion – anger. How do these gender-specific differences affect our clients, ourselves and our work as coaches?
By Nicole Berg
As I sit down to plan this article on emotion, it comes to my attention that here’s an opportunity. Perhaps I could write this piece in a more emotional way. Immediately I think – no, that won’t do. I may have to do away with my studies and citations. It would probably just ramble on with no end and no real point. What of rationality and intelligent discussion? Where would credibility come from?
Curious, this resistance to expression of emotion as opposed to expression of thought. Surely we’ve elevated the former above the latter in society; at least, I have. I’m reminded of artist Grayson Perry’s All Man, a television programme in which he visits “ultra-male worlds” to explore how contemporary masculinity shapes the lives and expectations of men in Britain today.
In his third episode, Rational Man, Perry explores how many bankers in the City of London elevate rationality in their decision-making and interactions, with little to no room for emotion, intuition and arguably, authenticity.
How did we come to this point, and where do we go from here, particularly in relation to coaching?
The problem
I don’t think many would argue that, in society, it is often more acceptable for women to display emotion than for men to do so. In a simple phrase like ‘man up’, we see masculinity merged with an absence of emotional expression.
In one YouTube video, the socialisation of boys is aptly illustrated in one moment by a toddler receiving his vaccinations. Off-camera, a man, presumably the boy’s father, can be heard soothing him, until the boy becomes visibly agitated after a couple of needles. His father switches gears, saying, “Don’t cry! Aww, big boy! Say you’re a man: ‘I’m a man!’ ”
The video ends with the whimpering toddler screwing up his face and pounding his chest. “I’m a man!” he barks through tears. Message received: men don’t cry.
To me, this was heartbreaking, but far from shocking. What did surprise me is a commonly held belief in the behavioural sciences community that males are more emotional than females as children. In one study by Harvard Medical School and Boston Children’s Hospital, six-month-old boys were more likely than girls of the same age to show facial expressions of joy and anger, to fuss, to gesture to be picked up and to cry.
These emotions don’t disappear, but rather, are suppressed and come out in other ways and in all sorts of settings, including in the workplace, and in coaching.
Interestingly, the most – or only? – socially acceptable emotion for men to display is anger. This appears to be one emotion, perhaps of many, that women are precluded from displaying. In a recent study, irate men expressing opinions forcefully were more likely to influence others to change minds, but the phenomenon worked in reverse for females.
Another study on anger and gender underscores this reasoning; women’s emotional reactions were attributed to internal characteristics (eg,“she is an angry person”; “she is out of control”), while men’s emotional reactions were attributed to external circumstances.
With women encouraged not to display anger or emotion that would hamper rationality, and men encouraged to display only anger – a secondary emotion, often masking frustration, hurt, grief and more – where do these suppressed emotions go? And what does this apparent gender difference in the encouragement of emotion expression mean for our clients, ourselves and what we do in coaching?
The impact
Undoubtedly this suppression of emotion in the workplace has a wider impact. However, outside of a workplace filled with masculine norms, women are more able to express these emotions, while men are still ‘manning up’. I believe this is linked to a disturbing trend.
Male suicide is now the biggest single killer of men aged 20-45 in the UK, and three times higher than female suicide. Research by the Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) in collaboration with research organisation YouGov, highlights how 42% of British men aged 18-45 say they have contemplated taking their own lives.
The landmark research also shows that 41% of men who contemplated ending their own lives have never spoken to anyone about their feelings, with reasons for not doing so including not wanting people to worry about them (32%), not wanting to talk about their feelings (29%) and not wanting to cause a fuss (24%).
What can we do?
As coaches, we have a duty to point our clients to the places they are not allowing themselves to go. While men may have learned over time to avoid emotion full stop, men and women alike often avoid fully feeling unpleasant emotions, which hold valuable information.
This may look like avoidance, or it may be masked as anger. We can help our clients to experience this emotion – for instance, through embodiment or visualising it as a metaphor – thereby releasing energy that is stuck, which will subsequently be available to be put to good use.
In the process, we can influence perspectives on emotions, suicide and allowing little boys – and the rest of us – to cry when we need to.
- Next issue: “If people can’t control their own emotions, then they have to start trying to control other people’s behavior.” This quotation from notable psychiatrist Robin Skynner points us to our next article on workplace bullying and social dominance.
Your top tips
- In your experience, what are some signs of a client avoiding emotion?
- Do you have any top tips to move a client from anger to their primary emotion (eg, hurt, sadness)? Is there always a primary emotion?
- What are your tips for helping clients to fully experience their emotions?
- What are your tips for a client who is expressing emotion in a way that hurts them or others?
- Nicole Berg is CEO and founder of leadership and development consultancy, Charis Coaching. Coaching at Work has partnered with Charis Coaching as part of its Campaign for Gender Equality. www.chariscoaching.co.uk
Join the conversation
How do you help your clients experience their emotions fully in your coaching sessions? Have your say. Go to: http://bit.ly/2bgvscA