Raising awareness of disruptive behaviours in relationships – Part 2.
This issue: How can a coach help a client address behaviours and take responsibility for their part in creating an unhealthy relationship dynamic?
By Nicole Berg
Regular readers will know that in this column, I describe a client issue and invite the perspective of a subject expert to weigh in.
Well, reader, this is a topic with which I’m profoundly familiar, not just as a coach, but as a flawed human being with quite the critical streak.
If left unchecked, this ‘streak’ can, and does, cause damage in my life (my integrity, my sense of control, my reputation, my relationships) and the lives of those around me. This is an autobiographical narrative, featuring the expertise of someone who has herself done it wrong, done it right, and supports clients to do more of the latter and less of the former.
The D-word
Some years ago, my marriage was in trouble. For the first (and only) time ever, the word ‘divorce’ was uttered (though thankfully not followed through). One contributing factor was my criticism of my husband.
As discussed in the previous column, in his book, relationship therapist Dr John Gottman talks about the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” : four behaviours that no relationship, personal or professional, can withstand on an ongoing basis. Criticism, the second horseman, often goes hand-in-hand with the horseman we looked at last time, contempt, as part of ‘being on the offensive’.
Criticism is the expression of disapproval of someone or something on the basis of perceived (note that word!) faults or mistakes. It can also be an attack on a person’s personality or character, usually to make someone right (the self) and someone wrong
(the other). Often, generalisations are employed: ‘you always…’; ‘you never…’; ‘you’re the type of person who …’; ‘why are you so …’.
In my Critic’s heyday, I felt the compulsion, and the right to, offer suggestions for continual improvement to Hubby. This, of course, was my perspective, not his; the perspective of the person on the receiving end of the criticism often becomes that what they do – and even who they are – isn’t good enough.
In our home, criticism was present in the small, day-to-day – and thus very frequent – things: he missed a dish in the washing up; he’d forgotten to take out the rubbish; he worded an email in a way that I thought wasn’t as clear as it could have been.
At the heart of these was the fact that I thought he should have done things differently – particularly, in the way that I would have done them. It could be that any one of these occurrences may not be experienced as critical, but together they formed an ongoing pattern that had a resounding negative impact on our relationship.
Relearning conflict resolution
Hubby and I took a multi-pronged approach to tackling our relationship issues, including employing a coach and mentors. One of our mentors stressed the need to relearn how to resolve conflict.
He gave us an assignment that, whenever we fought, we would stop, find a pen and paper, and objectively write down our respective versions of the situation, as well as our needs and what we were seeking as part of a resolution accordingly. We would then swap papers, review and discuss.
As long as our writing stayed objective and respectful, and our states of mind solution-focused, it worked brilliantly.
This advice falls into line with Gottman’s antidote to criticism: the use of ‘I’ statements and expression of a positive need. For instance, rather than: ‘You always stay late at work and don’t tell me when to expect you for dinner; please can you stop?’, a better phrase would be, ‘I didn’t know what time you were coming home tonight, and I’ve noticed it’s becoming a pattern. It makes me feel overlooked and hurt. I’d like it if you could tell me in advance if you’ll come home late on a given day. Is that OK?’
Dialing down the Critic’s voice
In one of our most impactful sessions, my coach helped me to separate myself from my internal Critic by facilitating a state of pure ‘being’ (as opposed to ‘doing’). For me, this was embodying the feeling of being at my mum’s for Christmas, where there was nothing to be done; there was only the enjoyment of loved ones’ company, festive decorations, food, games, music and relaxation.
As it turns out, the voice of the Critic that my husband so often heard was the same one that I heard myself just as frequently – except that I didn’t recognise it as the Critic, as a voice separate to my own that I could choose to listen to or ignore. It was – and still is – a voice prompting continual improvement: how to do more and how to do better.
Though this can be stress-inducing, I still view it as a gift: the ‘shadow side’ of continual growth and development. However, I’m now better aware of the option of contentment and ‘good enough’.
Because I have better command of my response to the Critic for myself, by extension I’m better able to recognise and control when it/I speak to others. Is making a fuss about a forgotten dirty dish – my husband’s or my own – really necessary or helpful?
My Critic wouldn’t know – but I do.
Sphere of control
Finally, it was and is helpful for me to question my sphere of control – in many areas. For those unfamiliar with Stephen Covey’s work, he outlines three concentric spheres: concern, influence and control.
No person (Hubby included) can possibly fall within the sphere of control – and yet, that’s exactly what I would seek to do through criticism. I can control my thoughts, regulate emotions, control beliefs and actions; I cannot control someone else’s behaviour in order to turn them into a person with my good qualities (and none of my flaws) in addition to their good qualities (again, with no flaws).
Rather, it’s best for all involved to focus on my own behaviour, on being a continually improving, less critical, version of myself.
References
- J Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, London: Orion Books, 2007
- S R Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People London: Simon and Schuster, 2004
- Next issue: The Third Horseman of the Apocalypse, Part 3 – Defensiveness and its antidote
- Nicole Berg is CEO and founder of leadership and development consultancy, Charis Coaching. Coaching at Work partnered with Charis Coaching as part of its Campaign for Gender Equality.
- www.chariscoaching.co.uk