A further exploration into some of the darker aspects of mentoring as Lis Merrick considers how dependency and intimacy can evolve in mentoring relationships
After covering power and transference in mentoring in the last issue, I felt it appropriate to consider some of the difficulties that can be created by close emotional engagement between mentor and mentee.
An effective developmental relationship, with trust, rapport and respect as integral elements, will naturally create an emotional bond in the mentoring pair. It may then become difficult to ‘let go’ at the end of the relationship. If the winding-up phase is not handled sensitively, there could even be a type of mourning or grieving as the pair part. This is natural – programme co-ordinators should support the ending of relationships, encouraging the pair to keep the ‘door open’ if appropriate, so they still have occasional meetings, or develop a transition to more of a co-peer mentoring relationship.
Some relationships turn into lifelong friendships or continue with intermittent mentoring over years. These healthy relationships should be supported and promoted.
Mentor as ‘rescuer’
A spectrum of dependency can develop in a mentoring relationship, although we do our best to discourage it. However, when dependency creates a dominant or controlling mentor it can become an issue. Some mentors are motivated less by a desire to support others and more to fulfil a deeper emotional need within themselves, becoming a ‘rescuer’, where they are unable to differentiate between their own needs and those of their mentee. The mentee doesn’t really receive any help and the mentor becomes overburdened with the mentee’s dependency.
I’ve witnessed mentees so dependent on their mentors they are paralysed by simple decisions if they cannot access their mentor.
Potential for intimacy
When a mentoring pair shares issues deeply, an intimate friendship can develop. When the intimacy of friendship is handled with sensitivity, the pair generally become good friends, provided the winding-up process is handled carefully and overtly. Difficulties arise when this does not happen and the mentor and mentee experience feelings of loss as the relationship ends.
Sexual intimacy can also occur and develop into a sexual relationship. To date, only one pair from a programme I organised have got married. However, if the relationship has become sexual, it has the potential to turn into sexual harassment. This is the most extreme type of intimacy and one where it may be related to the mentor wielding their power and status within the relationship.
Avoid unhealthy relationships
Regular mentor supervision should help mentors be vigilant against dependency forming and provide a reality check around becoming too intimate with their mentee. Supporting and supervising mentees is a key safeguard here too.
Regular check-ins, either individually or on a group basis, can soon alert the co-ordinator to where issues may be developing. Is the mentee reticent about discussing their relationship? Unhappy about the way it is progressing, but not forthcoming with details? Trying to avoid their mentor? These factors should ring warning bells for the co-ordinator.
Consider introducing supervision for mentees as well as mentors. It could help keep some of these unhealthy elements out of your programme.
- Next issue: Exploring some of the main reasons formal mentoring fails and how to avoid these pitfalls
- Lis Merrick is a consultant specialising in mentoring programme design and development. She welcomes correspondence on anything to do with mentoring. Contact: Lismerrick@coachmentoring.co.uk