The latest column from the Association of Coaching Supervisors (AoCS) explores feedback using a dilemma from Lise Lewis, introduced by Jo Birch
Setting the scene, Jo Birch writes, I’d like to begin with an invitation, and you might see the relevance as you read on. For now, simply tune into yourself as you engage with the column this issue.
What do you notice when I tell you the column today is about feedback? A jump for joy? A knot in your stomach? A quick urge to flick to a new page?
Stop a while. Take a moment to breathe… engage your curiosity.
Sit back, and allow yourself the luxury of dropping into this thoughtful and poignant piece by Dr Lise Lewis. A beautiful, poetic account of two people ‘being’ together, noticing themselves. And through their partnership, understanding more. Learning, in service of the work.
The spirit of supervision.
A feedback dilemma – revealing and unfolding a parallel process
Lise Lewis
A defeated gaze met the supervisor’s welcome smile as an anxious looking coach slumped into the chair opposite with a resounding thud, reverberating the possibility of “I’ve failed”.
The supervisor felt the urgency of silence, restraining any attempt for words of greeting. A gentle breeze gliding through an open window whispered ease into the stillness of the room. The quiet held a gratitude for neither ’phone nor person interrupting the call of peace imposing on this moment.
Time’s momentum bowed its head to curiosity, awaiting arrival that came with a deep sigh, exhaling a readiness to talk. A flow of words disrespectfully exploded the calm, like tumbling waves finding release on the shore of disclosure.
Outpouring. Unravelled shame… a shame protesting efforts to excuse withholding transparency was lightly camouflaged as not wishing to wound a client’s feelings; an embryonic seed of the emerging dilemma.
A pause for reflection intensified anxiety as the coach tousled with conflicting tensions of authenticity struggling with avoiding discredit:
“I wanted the client to like me and not to damage our relationship.” Opposing “I knew I was unprofessionally avoiding sharing what I perceived as critical feedback”.
The felt sense of failure came with the realisation that the hesitation of self-preservation hadn’t delivered the validating personal reward, nor saved the relationship. The client left the session claiming ‘coaching doesn’t work’ and feeling disillusionment with the coach’s lack of engagement.
Expectancy nudged the void of conversation between the supervisor and coach as mutual procrastination lingered. “Why is the supervisor ignoring me,” imagined the coach with emotional deflation.
“Why don’t you say something?” blurted the coach.
Whoa … aroused realisation revealed destructive judgement engulfing the supervisor.
Thoughts of ‘too late now to regret relegating professionalism to save face’. ‘Justifiable reward’ swirled into consciousness as the supervisor recognised internally berating the ineptitude of practice in the coach.
“What’s happening here – where’s my compassion?” self-reproached the supervisor.
“Whose are these assumptions and why my hesitation to speak?” the bewildered supervisor mused.
Inertia bonded collaborators embracing a mutual container of self-disappointment. No surprise for shame to crowd in and weave a web of collusion – masked as inviting space for healing silence.
At last! Communication flexed its muscles, urging the supervisor to disclose feelings of shame manifesting as judging the coach’s dilemma… in place of the usual practice, exploring first how the coach felt, to deny oneself versus the risk of authenticity.
“Yes, what has silenced me?”, probed the supervisor, quizzically. “I get a strong sense of withdrawal from us both. What might we learn from reflecting on what we’re both feeling in this moment?”
The supervisor recalled an almost paralysing unwillingness to speak, to interrupt the flow of the coach’s reflections and hesitation in voicing judgement.
“Does this resonate with you and I wonder can you picture any similarities for you working with this client?” ventured the supervisor.
Summary
Opening the dialogue door unveiled a coach frustrated with a client’s protracted inertia entwined with fear of disclosing unsolicited feedback. The supervisor’s discovery of mirroring a similar scenario emerged through observing unfamiliar reactions to the coach.
So what did this parallel process of similar scenarios playing out in both the coach/client and coach/supervisor practices reveal about the feedback dilemma?
The quality of relationship holds the key for both to willingly and effectively engage with feedback that restores and resources.
- Dr Lise Lewis is a champion of ‘being’ human, accredited executive and relational leadership coach, coach/mentor supervisor, author, researcher and keynote speaker. AoCS profile:http://bit.ly/Lise-Lewis
- Her book, Relational Feedback Why Feedback Fails and How to Make it Meaningful (Routledge, 2020), is available from Routledge with a 20% discount (Code: Routledge BBS20) and on Amazon.
- Jo Birch is a supervisor, coach, psychotherapist and an AoCS board member. She leads supervision training for coaches across the world in English and Russian. AoCS profile: http://bit.ly/jo-birch
- AoCS is an international community of coach supervisors and source of good practice, where you can easily find an experienced, qualified and often accredited coach supervisor to work with: www.associationofcoachingsupervisors.com