The importance of trust to allow vulnerability, and rediscovering self were among the themes in a study of coaching permanently childless women, reports Sophia Andeh
An estimated 20% of women born in the mid-sixties in Germany, the UK, Austria, the Netherlands and Switzerland remain childless (Kreyenfeld & Konietzka, 2017), and, therefore, those who are permanently childless may represent a sizeable proportion of the workforce.
I believed that coaching had the potential to facilitate helping strategies in permanently childless women, and explored the experience of coaching in this context, in which there was no published literature.
Childlessness may result from a definite lack of choice, ie, inability to conceive due to biological reasons, or a number of varied socio-economic reasons, rather than simply making a definite decision to have or not have children (Keizer, Dykstra & Jansen, 2008). Not becoming a parent of a wished-for child has been described as a real and stressful transition (McQuillan et al, 2012).
Childlessness may affect a woman’s sense of identity and require emotional work from her to reaffirm her identity in mainstream groups (Exley & Letherby, 2001). Childlessness can impact a woman’s self-esteem (Wischmann et al, 2012), and has been associated with feelings of loss and disenfranchised grief (Exley & Letherby, 2001).
Research from non-coaching disciplines has shown that acceptance, self-reflection, meaning-making, reframing dreams and values, and adjusting life goals (Koert & Daniluk 2017); and changing limiting beliefs and unhelpful thinking (Kraaij et al, 2016), may help women to adapt to life without children and move forward.
Using heuristic inquiry, I was able to incorporate my own pseudonymised data into the research, resulting in six women’s experience in total.
Data was collected by collage and semi-structured interviews. Collage was chosen because the language surrounding childlessness is focused on absence, and visual methodologies can allow co-researchers to express their ideas without needing specific language to explain.
The findings
Findings showed that with the aid of coaching, some co-researchers expressed how they were able to accept the reality of their situation, and change their perspective about a life without children. Creating an alternative version of the future involved identifying new goals, and building the confidence to achieve them.
One theme that was shared among all co-researchers was that they were seeking coaching to help them take action in their lives. The majority of co-researchers had also previously received counselling, and viewed coaching as being more action-orientated than counselling.
Moving between counselling and coaching is consistent with coaching research in other settings (Griffiths & Campbell, 2008), which suggests they can be used collaboratively.
As with coaching in other contexts, the research highlighted the importance of the coaching relationship. The majority of co-researchers expressed feelings of vulnerability due to the challenging issues they had faced. Understanding, care and support from the coach were qualities valued by co-researchers, and trust in the coaching relationship was important to allow them to be open about their experience. A childless woman may have been affected by events that were out of her control, and some co-researchers valued the coaching relationship as being one of equals, working on agreed goals together.
Some co-researchers struggled with their identity as childless women, the perception of others, and the representation of childlessness in the wider environment, including the workplace. One co-researcher described the types of comments she encountered:
“…society tells you that you should be a mother by a certain age… And if you’re not a mother, what, what career have you, have you got? Oh, is that all that you do? ” – Leila
Strategies
Coaching helped co-researchers to find strategies to deal with situations, conversations and comments from others, thus helping them to deal with negative self- and societal-narratives. Strategies included reframing how they viewed themselves, and formulating responses to other people’s questions, eg, why didn’t they have children?
One co-researcher described how she found her voice and ensured childlessness was considered in workplace policy reforms “…not only have I the courage to speak, but I am vociferous now…”.
One strategy that had not been identified as potentially useful in existing literature from other disciplines, was that of rediscovery. Re-engaging in activities that were previously enjoyed helped some co-researchers return to how they used to feel, with one reporting that they rediscovered their sense of self.
Coaching led to sustained change in some co-researchers’ lives, eg, they started studying, growing a business, letting go of people in their social circle, and trying different career options.
Some co-researchers continued to use techniques from their coaching, which may indicate they still faced some of the issues which brought them to coaching, and that what they learnt was valuable enough to keep applying in their lives.
Practice Implications
Although these findings are not generalisable to the experience of all childless women receiving coaching, they give some indication of how coaching may help women in this under-researched area. This research could also be extended to childless men, as the awareness of issues affecting them grows.
The number of childless women has increased in recent decades and this trend may continue in the UK and elsewhere. This could lead to an increase in the number of childless women in the workforce who are experiencing some of the issues highlighted in the research.
Areas which could be addressed in the workplace include the narrative around childlessness, for example, educating on why it’s not appropriate to ask colleagues about their parental status, and ensuring equitable workplace initiatives and policies regardless of parental status.
Childless women may not consider coaching as an option, and coaches may not be aware of the issues affecting childless women and how to support them. Increasing knowledge in this area may help to normalise coaching as an option to support childless women in creating meaningful lives moving forward with childlessness.
- About the author
Sophia Andeh has coached team members in the pharmaceutical industry for more than 20 years, and has a special interest in coaching to help childless women create a fulfilling life without children. Her research received the EMCC award for the Master’s dissertation at Oxford Brookes University with the highest potential for societal benefit.
References
- C Exley and G Letherby, ‘Managing a disrupted lifecourse: issues of identity and emotion work’, in Health, 5(1), 112-132, 2001
- K Griffiths and M A Campbell, ‘Semantics or substance? Preliminary evidence in the debate between life coaching and counselling’, in Coaching: An International Journal of Theory, Research and Practice, 1(2), 164-175, 2008
- R Keizer, P A Dykstra and M D Jansen, ‘Pathways into childlessness: evidence of gendered life course dynamics’, in Journal of Biosocial Science, 40(6), 863-878, 2008
- E Koert and J C Daniluk, ‘When time runs out: reconciling permanent childlessness after delayed childbearing’, in Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, 35(4), 342-352, 2017
- V Kraaij, et al, ‘Effects of a self-help program on depressed mood for women with an unfulfilled child wish’, in Journal of Loss and Trauma, 21(4), 275-285, 2016
- M Kreyenfeld and D Konietzka, ‘Analyzing childlessness’, in Kreyenfeld M and Konietzka D (eds.). Childlessness in Europe: Contexts, Causes, and Consequences, Cham, Springer Open, 3-15, 2017
- J McQuillan, et al., ‘Does the reason matter? Variations in childlessness concerns among U.S. women’, in Journal of Marriage and Family, 74(5), 1166-1181, 2012
- T Wischmann, et al., ‘A 10-year follow-up study of psychosocial factors affecting couples after infertility treatment’, in Human Reproduction, 27(11), 3226–3232, 2012