How can we coach with the Internal Family Systems model of self-leadership? Belinda Rydings reports

 

Brilliant leaders don’t always act in ways that appear rational or produce desired results. Some clients bring out the best in us, and others drive us to extreme emotions and derail our intentions. Despite knowing we are, for example, conflict-avoidant or perfectionistic, we can’t seem to overcome these traits. So what’s going on?

I’ve always been fascinated by human systems, particularly in the organisations I worked in before training as a coaching psychologist. After a decade of studying psychology, I had some clues about human behaviour and was qualified to work as a coach, but knew I hadn’t cracked it! My mindfulness practice and Master’s research into impostor syndrome had helpfully provided a deeper sense of knowing what was going on inside, but I certainly hadn’t overcome my self-limiting behaviours.

Even more interestingly, the clients showing up to work with me kept presenting with difficulties affecting their professional and personal lives which were clearly rooted in their distant pasts. They weren’t interested in seeking therapy, and the traditional coaching contract drew a boundary around exploring the fascinating histories which clearly held the clues to the issues clients were facing. What to do? My response was to train in models from therapy, which I’d experienced as powerful ways of creating awareness and lasting change.

 

What specific elements produce these positive results, and could I apply these within a coaching framework?

My journey into Self-Leadership using the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model began in 2010, when a dear friend and fellow coach told me of his life-changing introduction to IFS adapted for coaching with originator, Richard Schwartz and Harvard coaching psychologist, Carol Kauffman. Subsequently reading ‘Introduction to The Internal Family Systems Model’ (Schwartz, 2001) was like unlocking a series of doors. IFS sounded intuitive, accessible and very exciting – I signed up for the next training.

 

So what is IFS, and can a therapy model be useful in coaching?

IFS is a Parts model, based on the multiplicity paradigm that our minds are formed of Parts with divergent beliefs and agendas for our lives. Arising in everyday language, “one part of me wants another piece of cake – but another part knows I’ll feel guilty!”, the approach teaches us to check inside ourselves to discover the Parts informing our responses. We then address the concerns of each Part, thereby understanding their polarised positions and helping us make wise choices.

Centrally, in addition to our ‘Parts’ we all have a ‘Self’, which some traditions call our higher self. The Self is the energetic centre we all possess from where we demonstrate qualities such as calm, curiosity, compassion, confidence, courage, creativity, clarity and connection – the eight Cs of
Self-Leadership. An important tenet is that Self energy doesn’t have an agenda – and our Parts definitely do!

There are three main categories of Parts, and when we get proficient at identifying which part is acting in us (‘blended’), we understand what they’re trying to achieve for us and can gently intervene from Self to create more successful outcomes. One of the happy outcomes of unblending from our Parts is that people we’re interacting with often unblend from their own Parts, making for more harmonious communications.

 

So what are Parts, and why do we want to unblend?

Parts are great: they’re what make humans interesting, diverse – and sometimes pretty darn difficult!

“All Parts are welcome”
(Schwartz, 2021)

The first of the three categories are called Managers in IFS terminology, and they’re focused on avoiding difficult experiences, a kind of inner protector. Managers help run our lives, mostly effectively, and also have some fierce methods (imagine Inner Critic, or Taskmaster Parts) and may be blind to alternative perspectives.

The other category of protector in this systemic approach is called Fire Fighters. In coaching, I tend to refer to them as Reactors or Distractors, describing their main strategies. They take over when Managers struggle to keep the show on the road, for example when I feel stressed my ‘shoulds and oughts’ may fail to curb my ‘wants’ – and then I just have to have that extra piece of cake!

The third category are called Exiles, referencing the way humans psychologically split off from our most painful experiences, particularly in early life, and these often manifest as long-held habits and beliefs.

Exiles hold ‘Burdens’ in IFS parlance, which I refer to in coaching as the feelings, memories and beliefs ensuing from difficult past experiences. They’re accompanied by uncomfortable emotions and sensations, driving protector Parts to mobilise to avoid Exiled feelings (Anxiety, Shame, Anger, Worthlessness, etc). All this happens mostly automatically and unconsciously.

 

All Parts have a positive intention for us

Intrinsic to IFS is the deeply held belief that all Parts have a positive intention and are equally valid. This can be difficult to believe when your client is harming themselves, co-workers or the organisation, yet when we can enquire into a Part’s intention with curiosity, we invariably find they’re trying to repair some past hurt and improve things for the client.

 

How can Self-Leadership help us and our clients?

When we separate from and address the Parts running our lives, their intention and impact become clear, and we can make informed choices. When we’re Self-led, we’re at our best – quickly recognising activated Parts, learning their triggers and asking them not to hijack us. This adds the bonus of regulating our autonomic nervous systems, helping us stay out of Survival Mode (automatic fight, flight, freeze, collapse responses).

Does this mean we are constantly responding to inner voices and little people?

Maybe! Lots of us experience our Parts this way when we become aware of them, and also as energy, shapes, colours and animals.

 

Coaching examples

If I’m coaching from a blended Part protecting me from feeling incompetent, I might inadvertently alienate my client by adopting the ‘expert’ stance. If I notice this feeling of needing to appear clever (Manager) rooted in an old feeling of not being smart enough (Exile), I can separate and attune to what’s going on for my client. From Self, I can acknowledge my error, apologise and strengthen the coaching alliance.

If my client displays conflict avoidant behaviours, I’ll help them notice what part is driving the behaviour. If they struggle to deliver developmental feedback, we may identify a Part who wants a cordial working atmosphere above all and has a blind spot to causes of poor performance, deteriorating results and low morale. By differentiating the Parts, the client in their Self-energy is then able to reassure their inner Manager there’s a better way. The client can then identify the Exile behind the need to protect from disharmony, possibly one that remembers frightening conflicts in their childhood when they lacked tools and resources to cope.

 

IFS is a facilitative model that lends itself to coaching work

IFS now informs most of my coaching practice, and I also work therapeutically with trauma using IFS and body-based methods. Individual IFS coaching with leaders creates seismic shifts that positively impact organisational systems, and I’m starting to use IFS in conflict resolution and introducing the approach to leadership teams.

I think the future for IFS in coaching looks bright!

 

 

  • About the author
    Belinda Rydings is a coaching psychologist. She integrates IFS in individual and group coaching with senior leaders internationally in a diverse range of organisational settings. She was awarded the 2012 BPS Division of Coaching Psychology ‘Student Project Award’ for her Master’s research into Coaching Leaders with Imposter Syndrome. She will be one of the panellists at the annual Coaching at Work conference on 17 November.