It’s difficult to converse well with others when there are so many elements involved. Coaching, though, can offer a valuable external perspective, says Felicity Dwyer
It’s not surprising that coaching clients often raise issues around interpersonal communication. It affects all aspects of our professional and personal lives. And it’s not always easy to communicate effectively, given there are many elements involved in the process.
These elements include the need for clarity about the messages we want to share. Then there are the ways in which our own feelings about a conversation affect our behaviour. There’s also a need to recognise and respond to different people, considering their wants and needs, communication styles, strengths, and vulnerabilities. And the subject matter of some conversations can be seen as challenging. For example, when a manager needs to instigate changes at work, or discuss poor performance.
As a coach, you can offer a valuable external perspective. Through your reflections and questions, you can invite your client to think more widely and deeply about communication. You can invite them to think both about the particulars of a specific conversation, and to draw out general principles. You can encourage them to identify their patterns of behaviour in professional relationships, and to think about how they can better understand others.
Here are some fatal flaws you might notice in the way a client approaches communication, and suggestions for coaching interventions that may help.
Fatal flaw
Too much focus on the message, at the expense of the relationship.
You may notice that the client talks a lot about what they want to say, or what they need from the other person, without making much reference to the relationship itself, or what they believe the other person thinks or feels.
Make it work
It is important to go into a conversation or other communication with clarity about your message. You may want to help your client articulate what they want from the conversation. And if in doing this, they make no reference to the relationship, you may want to explore this aspect through your questions. How might the other person be feeling? How might they respond to your message? What could be a good outcome for them? How might you work together towards a satisfactory result?
Fatal flaw
Too much focus on the negative.
You may notice your client seems more focused on their own negative feelings about an interaction than on either the message or the other person. Your client may be experiencing anxiety. They don’t relish the thought of the conversation, they just want to get it over with.
Anxiety can make it harder for us to think clearly and calmly. And in this instance the client may not even have thought clearly about what they want as an outcome, let alone considered the other person’s needs.
Make it work
It can be useful to share some approaches to help a client manage their emotional state. For example, you may wish to invite a client to notice any areas of physical tension. Because the body and mind are linked, making postural adjustments can help. Invite them into an upright yet relaxed stance. They may find it helpful to slow down their breathing a little.
Another approach is to invite them to notice any self-criticism or negative talk, for example: “I’m useless at this kind of thing” or “this is really difficult”. Suggest they find a way to reframe critical self-talk, into statements that are positive yet realistic. For example: “I’m preparing well for this meeting”; “If I notice I’m feeling overwhelmed, I’ll pause and take a breath before replying”.
Other approaches that could work include asking your client to focus on the ideal outcome for the conversation, and strategies that could help them get there. Or you could ask them what advice they might give a friend or colleague who was facing the same situation, to encourage them to view it from a more objective third person perspective.
Fatal flaw
An inflexible communication style.
We all have different communication styles and preferences. And it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking our way is the right way and others need to improve or change their approach. A client may say that they find a particular person hard to communicate with, maybe they find them too vague, or dogmatic or dismissive. This may indicate a mismatch in style.
Make it work
There are a variety of tools and models to help a client identify communication styles. DISC (https://www.truity.com/book/about-disc-personality-test) is one of my favourite models. There are plenty of diagnostics available based on DISC which draw out subtle distinctions. But in its simplest form, the model is based around four styles: Dominant, Conscientious, Influencing, and Steady.
The first two are more task focused, the second two are more people focused. You can offer a diagnostic or introduce a model, inviting a client to reflect on what they know about their own behavioural preferences. And ask questions around how other people’s style of communication affects your client. For example, someone who likes to have plenty of time to think about a subject may experience a more direct style as intimidating or even rude.
Once a client recognises that this may be down to a difference in style, they may be more understanding of others. And they can start to identify ways to be more flexible in how they communicate. For example, when the other person has a very direct style, it can be helpful to condense their core message into very clear and concise points.
As a coach you will have your own observations about the way your client communicates. At times it may be appropriate to offer your feedback, and coach around the reaction.
Conclusion
It’s valuable to develop a wide range of approaches to help your clients. Encourage them to pay attention to both the message and the relationship, to stay calm and positive, and to be flexible in their communication style.
About the author
- Felicity Dwyer is a facilitator, trainer, coach, and speaker, specialising in communication and leadership skills. She is the author of Crafting Connection: Transform how you communicate with yourself and others (Practical Inspiration Publishing, 2022)
- www.felicitydwyer.com