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OPINION: REFLECTIONS – CHECKING IN WITH MY HEART

by | Mar 5, 2024 | Articles, Opinion, Reflections

Exploring criticism and feedback can shine a light on shadow material, says Jane Brendgen in the latest in this series

 

Towards the end of last year I wrote a reflective piece on the Gaza/Israel tragedy that my dear friend and colleague Liz Hall had generously made freely available on the Coaching at Work website (Brendgen, 2023). The writing of this and the subsequent posting of it on LinkedIn was an intentional developmental practice. I took risks and am grateful for the growth that I recognise. 

One of the intentions I was holding was related to the courage to be open and vulnerable in my sharing and to stand in my ‘truth’ with clarity and heartfulness. I hoped that my writing would generate a range of responses, including criticism. Inviting feedback can offer a heat experience for vertical developmental growth, for ourselves and for our clients. We get to see ourselves through the eyes of another and this perspective may reveal some shadow material we’re yet unable to see. 

This builds capacity to seek, hold and integrate various perspectives in service of greater insight and clarity. The more perspectives we’re able to consider, the greater complexity we’re able to comprehend, the wiser our decisions and the more effective our actions.

It feels important to pause here for a moment to consider briefly the difference between feedback and criticism, words that are commonly used interchangeably. The differentiator perhaps lies broadly in the intention of the giver and the interpretation of the receiver. Criticism is, by definition, founded on judgement and can be detected in choice of words, vocal tone and body language. Feedback, in contrast rests in the genuine interests of the person being communicated to. My focus will be more on some of the deeper facets of criticism. 

 

Personal experience

Going back to the content of my Gaza/Israel piece, I took a risk and shared a tender personal experience which lay at the heart of my meaning-making and motivation for writing: in November last year, during a session with an Internal Family Systems therapist, the conditions ripened for a traumatised part in me to be revealed, re-experienced and integrated. One of the significant contributory factors to these conditions lay in my interpretation of the occupation of Gaza. Our own unresolved trauma can be triggered in the witnessing of abject helplessness. With the support of the skilled therapist, that part of me that was holding the experience of a violation of boundaries and a loss of personal sovereignty when I was 16 years old began to resonate and she moved from the darkness of the unconscious into the light of awareness. 

Just after the article was published, I shared it with a colleague I’ve known for many years and asked her what she thought. She said I’d revealed too much in the sharing of my personal experience. I felt her words land in my body as a judgement and noticed that I felt wobbly as the voice of doubt appeared. I paused for a moment before asking my colleague what was going on for her. I suspected that something had been triggered in her and that she was possibly projecting some unintegrated shadow onto me. She acknowledged her discomfort with my level of openness and this moved me. After our conversation I checked in with my heart. Was it really OK to have shared my personal experience? Yes. A few days later a more nuanced view of criticism emerged. 

 

Lightness of attitude

I pause for a moment now and notice a part of me is laughing with compassionate irreverence at the constructing nature of mind reflected in these words appearing on this page and how we can so easily become unconsciously attached to our ways of knowing and interpreting the world. So, with lightness of attitude I return to sharing the fruits of my conversation with my colleague…

If someone criticises us, I wonder how much it actually has to do with us. Probably very little. The more we’re grounded in ourselves the greater the possibility is that we can perceive this criticism as reflective of their perceptual filters, pain or insecurities. It’s here that compassion naturally arises and we can give the other the freedom to be as they are, to think whatever they think about us. This is surely an act of love. I have a quote on my wall from Adyashanti (2004), that continues to be a spiritual practice for me: “Until the whole world is free to agree with you or disagree with you, until you have given the freedom to everyone to like you or to not like you, to love you or to hate you, to see things as you see them or see things differently – until you have given the whole world it’s freedom, you’ll never have your freedom.”

 

The gift of criticism

Another facet of criticism that has become clearer is this: when someone is caught in reactivity and is critical of us it’s so easy to get pulled into the emotional contagion and lose perspective. It can be a real challenge to remain grounded in the face of what could be interpreted as a defensive attack, if we consider that anger is often the fuel behind criticism. If we receive criticism and we react to it, ie, a part of us gets triggered, then we’re seeing an aspect of ourselves. Right here lies the gift of their criticism. It’s so human to then get caught up in a reactive unconscious dance through projecting this outwards onto the person giving the criticism and judging them in return.  

As humans we judge each other. We mostly judge to feel better about ourselves because we’re lacking in self-acceptance and self-love. I came across a beautiful quote from US professional golfer, Nancy Lopez (in Weiss, 2014), which captures the wisdom of this: “Doubt yourself and you doubt everything you see. Judge yourself and you see judges everywhere. But if you listen to the sound of your own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgment. And you can see forever.” 

I’m grateful for this more complex perspective on criticism and have already begun to apply this learning in my work with my clients. One of the facets that I’m experimenting with is to support my clients to recognise their shadow material in the judgements that they hold of others. And, to invite them to consider transmuting criticism into feedback, to the extent that they are able, through conveying what it is that they’re witnessing in the other – just the facts, no interpretation.

 

References

 

  • Jane Brendgen is founder of Compassionate Cultures. She is an executive coach specialising in authentic leadership, adult development and therapeutic coaching. She is a mindfulness supervisor.