Sarah, a successful leader, believes she is faking it to make it. Jane Brendgen helps her find her authentic self using a vertical adult development tool
As coaches we will all have experienced those moments in our work where something magical happens, where the conditions are ‘just right’ for our client to experience a paradigm shift, where a new perspective emerges and something heals. I’m delighted to share such an unfolding with you, with my client’s full consent.
Sarah, a leader in a global market research organisation, is one of my vertical development clients. We started working together in December 2022. Our first session was a 90-minute debrief of the Harthill Leadership Development Profile, a powerful instrument for insight based on a globally established model of vertical adult development.
It uncovers how individuals make meaning of themselves, their relationships and the world. One of the central themes that Sarah’s profile revealed was the evolutionary thrust towards greater authenticity.
Two months ago, the topic of communicating low pay rises to her team came up and we explored the discomfort she was feeling. She also shared that she found it too distressing to look at any material related to the suffering of animals.
We both recognised this as a developmental edge and decided to actively work it. I suggested that I send her two carefully selected images a week depicting cruelty to animals, to compassionately stretch her window of tolerance for discomfort. I offered guidelines to support her to stay present with her experience and to pay particular attention to what she could feel in her body.
Unlocking potential
After spending some time looking at the image, she journalled to capture insights and learning. Through courageously turning towards her experience of distress, Sarah was developing the capacity to metabolise the feelings. Furthermore, through purposefully including body sensations she was engaging the right hemisphere of her brain.
Most of us have been conditioned to over-rely on our left hemisphere’s linear, abstract, conceptual processes of reasoning and rationality to make sense of the world. As a consequence, we’ve lost touch with the embodied feeling intelligence of our right hemisphere, the vivid, concrete, ambiguous sensory field of perception that connects us to ourselves, our fellow human beings and to nature, to all of life. When the two halves of our brain work in concert, we gain access to ‘whole self intelligence’, a rich, vibrant set of thinking, feeling and sensing capacities that unlocks our highest potential.
I was inspired by the way in which Sarah engaged wholeheartedly with this practice and decided to write a blog about it. She reposted this on LinkedIn and courageously outed herself as the Sarah mentioned in the blog: “…My left side of my brain has been doing all the heavy lifting for years which has meant that in a crisis, I tend to over plan and try to fix the scenario, or I try to avoid the feeling of angst entirely – it’s been my way of coping. I’m working on ways to genuinely feel the challenge, not just acknowledge it, fully feel it – it’s about becoming more comfortable with the uncomfortable. I’ve found that doing this opens up more clarity…where you see more of the bigger picture… .”
More recently, and building on the practice above, Sarah shared that she’d been invited to participate in a panel discussion with some of her highly experienced peers. She recognised confidence in her expertise and, given the emergent nature of a panel discussion she couldn’t anticipate what questions might come up. This kind of uncertainty and lack of control has historically triggered her into panic attacks so she was understandably trepidatious about actually experiencing one, on stage, in front of her peers.
As she began to talk about it a wave of panic arose. I invited her to feel her feet on the ground, to feel the sensations of contact with the chair and to touch in for a few moments to the sensations in her body. Within a few seconds the wave had passed and this opened up a liminal space for a paradigm shift. A question emerged from the field and touched the potentiality that was ready to blossom. I saw Sarah’s face change and felt her demeanour shift in the light of insight.
Authentic leadership
Following on from her courageous declaration mentioned above, I suggested that she post about her experience on LinkedIn as a way to practise authentic leadership. Here below is her inspiring post, with appropriate deletions for anonymity.
“Have you too felt like you’re having to ‘fake it to make it’? It’s exhausting, right? Being something you’re not because that’s what you feel is expected of you? I’m trying a different way…Tomorrow I take on something new – representing X on a discussion panel with some highly experienced peers. I’m nervous. Well, actually I’m bricking it! This will surprise people given how I hold myself on a day to day – coupled with my background in presenting and lecturing. But I’ve never been in a situation where I can’t rehearse it beforehand! For me, when stress kicks in, I subconsciously over plan; trying to claw back some feeling of control. Not easily done for tomorrow! For over 20 years I have tackled panic attacks, and this work event is definitely ripe for an attack! The thought of it fills me with anxiety, but at the same time excitement of the opportunity. Working with the wonderful Jane Brendgen has helped me to see that anxiety and excitement are the same feeling, just with different framing. We dug into my anxieties, peeling back the onion layers…
“Before meeting Jane, I felt I had to ‘fake it to make it’. And that to succeed in my role, I had to be extrinsically confident, and comfortable in a room of people who I didn’t know. I felt that my progression was dependent on the approval of others. Jane has helped me to unlock a new mindset – FREEDOM OF AUTHENTICITY. Stop trying to be something I’m not, and to be free to express how I’m feeling. So, here I am…being open about the pre-panel nerves I’m experiencing. I’m eager to take the opportunity on, and I’ll probably stumble over my words, I may need to pause and gather myself – but that’s ok! It’s my authentic self and I’m not going to try to be someone else.”
Needless to say, Sarah was a great success. She posted her experience on LinkedIn the next day.
“I did it guys!! No panic – just pure…babble! For those of you who saw my LinkedIn post yesterday, you’ll know this is a big deal for me. Yesterday I was very honest about myself. Rather than continuing to try to ‘fake it to make it’, I shared where my anxieties lie. And I’m so glad Jane encouraged me to do this because the response I received was amazing! My lovely LinkedIn network applauded my authenticity – and several privately messaged me words of encouragement, as well as thanking me for demonstrating that it’s ok to feel daunted. I hope you all know how much of a difference your words meant to me. I really hope I’ve inspired others to say ‘how it is’ in the future”.
I feel joy and gratitude to be able to contribute in meaningful ways to people’s lives.
- Jane Brendgen is founder of Compassionate Cultures. She is an executive coach specialising in authentic leadership, adult development and therapeutic coaching. She is a mindfulness supervisor.