In our last article, we examined socially constructed obstacles to expanding into our collective and individual masculine and feminine ranges. Here, we explore what it means for our clients – and ourselves – to fully expand into the furthest extent of our respective ranges, granting ourselves permission ‘to boldly go’ where we may never have gone before – or at least to places less comfortable to us – in service of the fullest life outside our comfort zones.
By Nicole Berg
A few days ago, I had lunch with a friend who works for a well-known consulting firm. This sector is rather foreign to me, and I was interested in getting her opinion on building credibility, reputation and sales.
I didn’t understand exactly how different our perspectives could be until she shared that in an uncertain world, with uncertain economies and industries, the key to credibility, in her clients’ eyes, is to frame an uncertain prediction as almost certain truth – creating a known from an unknown with educated guesswork and the force of conviction.
I struggled to keep my jaw off the floor, as my mind shouted, ‘You sell lies?!’ A bit melodramatic, I know.
I was surprised at the strength of my reaction though. After all, this is exactly what companies hire consultants to do, and these firms work in the best interests of their clients (and, in turn, of the firm).
It took me a beat (or two, or three) to realise why this approach works: it meets the world, or a client, where they’re at. Our world seeks control, focus and decisiveness – masculine energy, if you will (see Gerzema & D’Antonio, The Athena Doctrine, 2013, for more on masculine and feminine traits). It is much less comfortable with intuitive, curious, vulnerable feminine energy that doesn’t have answers in the midst of the unknown.
And so companies, consultants, coaching clients and even we, as coaches, tend to dive boldly into the ‘masculine’ – and may even exaggerate it in order to cope, or to help others cope.
Go for it
This made me wonder: what would it be like to boldly go into the unknown?
Boldness, for me, has been a journey spanning several years. In it, I have struggled to be bold, both in the known (with masculine energy), and in the unknown (with feminine energy). In my early twenties, the brazenness I had been accessing gradually and imperceptibly gave way to reservation.
Catapulted into roles with high levels of responsibility in various organisations that never failed to leave one dear childhood friend asking, ‘How did you land that job?’, I recognised I had much to learn from the people around me. In short, I learned to absorb and forgot how to speak.
This is a period in my life that I refer to as ‘going grey’. The feminine and masculine we speak of roughly correspond to the yin and the yang, with which I’m sure you’re familiar.
Having previously set up shop in the white, masculine, yang energy, I knew it wouldn’t serve me in the almost constant unknown of my run of new jobs. What I failed to do was reach the other end of the spectrum – the black, feminine, yin side that could explore, expand and create in the unknown.
I stopped somewhere in the middle – grey and lifeless, with no energy to help me navigate my surroundings.
Day one
This became a presenting issue when I relocated to the UK from Canada for a Master’s degree. The culture (perhaps of the UK education system, perhaps of a postgraduate degree programme – perhaps both) demanded I voice my ideas and opinions from day one.
I quickly became aware of my timidity. I was no longer bold in my personal ‘known’ – my opinions, my ideas, my mind – nor was I bold in the unknown of my new environment.
Following my degree programme, during my development as a coach, I came face-to-face with the fact that I couldn’t serve my clients without boldness. I dove in and found that, finally, I was becoming bold again with the known – for instance, with moving through a structured initial chemistry session.
Self-reinforcing
It came with practice, with engaging my diaphragm in my breathing for a stronger voice, with managing my intonation so my statements didn’t sound like questions, and with a change in mindset that allowed me to own what I knew. It was a self-reinforcing cycle of trying and succeeding (with a healthy dose of failing, naturally).
But I also knew there was more boldness to be revealed. (This, of course, came with a number of clients who also wanted more boldness for themselves.) I took this to my coach supervisor and, for the first time, she made the distinction for me between being bold in the known and in the unknown. I was taking charge with boldness, but not using my intuition or curiosity to explore the unknown with the same boldness. I was, in essence, a strong consultant and a wimpy coach.
Just like that, in the same way that ‘knowing’ had given me permission to be bold, not knowing gave me permission to coach with boldness.
I voiced my intuition and waited to see how it landed, unpacking metaphors, visualisations and embodied senses with my clients.
Get curious
I got curious about what was being, or not being, said – the dissonance in a client’s voice, or the avoidance in their words as they danced around something. I held the mindset that a client is resourceful and whole, capable of taking responsibility for her or his outcomes and learning, and robust enough to withstand my blunders and failures (still coming in healthy doses).
Clients who come to me for coaching on being bold, feeling confident and taking risks, have often ‘gone grey’, timid in their masculine and feminine. Taking small and big steps outside of their respective comfort zones increases this range.
What of the client who travels deeply into the masculine or the feminine, but has limited range in the other direction? In my experience, they come not asking for ‘boldness’, and it is our opportunity as coaches to articulate where they are not allowing themselves to go. Where are your clients avoiding, or resisting, the expansion of their range? As a coach, how might this be true for you?
Next issue: a look at the commonly feminised issue of life balance in the workplace
- Nicole Berg is CEO and founder of leadership and development consultancy, Charis Coaching. Coaching at Work has partnered with Charis Coaching as part of its Campaign for Gender Equality. www.chariscoaching.co.uk
Join the conversation
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